I've been getting many emails from men and women who say they are dating and/or are in love with someone struggling with panic attacks and/or with depression and having a indubitably hard time production it work. The men and women in these relationships say they are in love and that the someone they are dating is indubitably an remarkable someone but still they are looking it hard to handle the getting close then pulling away that is characteristic of these relationships.
Why are these relationships more challenging than others?
Dating Guides
It is hard to find the Right someone to fall in love with and even harder to make any relationship work. But there are even more challenges dating someone struggling with emotional linked outcomes such as anxiety and depression. The challenges include: the anxious and depressed someone being preoccupied and fearful that the relationship will not work, over-sensitivity to your words and actions, extreme mood swings which lead to unresolved fights and anger. Transportation is roughly impossible since the someone prefers not to talk about compounding problems. Many of these relationships succeed the highs and lows of the depressive's states, sometimes with frequent breaking up and production up within a very short period of time.
Do these relationships have a chance? Yes. I've seen it work so many times. It's not easy, but these kinds of relationships do work:
1. If the someone suffering has faced up or is willing to face up to their struggle with anxiety and depression, and has sought or is willing to seek expert help.
Most citizen with this question are pretty good at hiding it from most citizen because they don't want others to see them as fragile or vulnerable. If you suspect that there is an underlying emotional problem, and want to encourage him or her to seek help, bring it up in a diplomatic and kindly way. Something like: "You don't seem to have energy. Do you feel Ok? Why don't you get checked out?".
2. You understand what you are dealing with.
As hard as it is, if you love him or her, you have to learn as much if not more about this condition. You should do all you can to understand what you are up against and to be involved in his or struggle so that you can understand what is happening. This will make it easier to handle problems in your relationship.
3. You can tell when the relationship is plain toxic and unfulfilling, and when it's the anxiety and depression that you are dealing with.
The nature of the chemical imbalances that succeed in anxiety and depression mood disorders is that often the someone gets overwhelmed when he or she feels that he or she is trying to do too much or anticipated to do too much. At times like this, they feel that they are best off on their own because they don't feel the pressures to be a inevitable way or perform. Times like this it's easy to think the someone is just selfish - which is what it appears like most of the time.
Teach yourself to read his or her moods. Get into the rhythm of the illness. In the starting this can be hard because you have to kind of learn how to tell their moods by the way they talk and their body language, the hours and some times days when the moods start to get intense, for example when he or she begins to lash out, pulls away, gets angry, feels tired and when he or she is extra jovial, high energy, working lots, finishing lots of projects etc. Sometimes working with a expert in the starting can make it easier to get into his or her mood rhythm.
4. You know and have standard that he or she is prone to perceptual distortions and will have a tendency of over analyzing your relationship and looking reasons why the two of you shouldn't be together.
Most citizen with this question have had a number of dating and relationship failures in their lifetime and are more likely than not to be obsessed with past failures. Their obsession with past failures often leads them to be in constant hunt for some type of flaw or feebleness in the relationship. Doubt and discontentment are consequence of this over vigilance.
When you find yourselves getting into big arguments, often over things you don't even know what you did, it is important to remember the love and not take the moods or things they said seriously. If he or she gets unreasonably irritated with you, let that not get to you. This can be a tough one - balancing how much you can take and when to stand up for yourself. The normal guide is to all the time keep in mind that you are not responsible for his or her depression.
5. You are okay with the fact that from time to time he or she will distance him or herself from you, won't call and take your calls or reply your emails.
Most citizen with this question are roughly scared of someone caring for them. They are afraid that you will not be able to handle their problem, and often feel (and even say) that they do not deserve you and that you are best of with someone else.
When he or she distances, you've got to find a way to get him or her to talk and take all the pressure off him or her. Don't let them drive you away now that you know about what their going through. In the end they need your love. The real challenge in getting him or her to talk is that the usual Transportation skills that work with most other citizen may not be enough. Direct questions may be misconstrued as confrontation, questioning his or her every move or not insight his or her struggles. This will often be met with "I don't know" or dead silence. Giving guidance can come across as "judging" or "pitying" which is the last thing he or she wants. And trying to "cheer them up" is a waste of time.
Unless you are a well trained expert or have had this illness yourself (by the way not all citizen palpate it the same way), you can't truly understand what the someone is going through. The approach I use with my clients who are looking it hard to date and have relationships because of their struggle with anxiety and depression is what I call the "Help me understand you" approach. Let them open up themselves and don't pressure them instead be outpatient and you may just be what he or she needs at the time.
Just as getting him or her to talk is important, it is also important to know when to back off and give him or her the space he or she needs. When backing off, be sure to let them know they have the safety of your love to come to when they need it. If you find yourself at the edge of your own rope find someway to break free for awhile and re-energize.
Don't write someone off just because they struggle with anxiety and/or depression -which is so easy in this culture obsessed with "perfection". Dating someone struggling with panic attacks and depression is a long and hard road but it can also be a beneficial palpate for learning to love unconditionally. If the two of you can work together, you'll come to appreciate the creativity that dealing with this illness involves.
Caution: Look out for early warning signs that your dating relationship is potentially dangerous; you are afraid of his or her temper and anger, you come to be isolated and have few friends, you are all the time walking on eggshells because you are afraid of "upsetting" him or her, or he or she threatens you with suicide or other violence if you leave.
Dating Is dissimilar When The someone You Are Dating Suffers From Panic Attacks Or Depression